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Stephen Colbert Learns How To Act Like A Kiwi In Wellington, New Zealand


>>Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME BACK! FOLK, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL,
I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL AT HOME BUT I’M IN A REALLY GREAT
MOOD TONIGHT BECAUSE ALL THIS WEEK WE’RE CELEBRATING GREAT
COUNTRY OF NEW ZEALAND BY SHOWING MY INCREDIBLE TRIP DOWN
THERE IN OUR SERIES:>>”THE LATE SHOW” PRESENTS:
STEPHEN COLBERT THE NEWEST ZEALANDER.”>>Stephen: LAST NIGHT I HAD
THE HONOR MEETING WITH PRIME MINISTER JACINDA ARDERN. AND AFTER HER WARM WELCOME,
I WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO BLEND IN AS A REGULAR KIWI. AND TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT, I
FLEW TO WELLINGTON AND MET UP WITH TWO OF NEW ZEALAND’S
BIGGEST CELEBRITIES: BRET MCKENZIE, WHO IS ONE HALF
OF “FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS,” AND LUCY LAWLESS, WHO IS 100%
“XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS.” JIM?>>Stephen: HEY YOU GUYS.>>HI, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: HI, LUCY.>>HI, STEPHEN.>>HI, BRET.>>Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR MEETING ME HERE IN WELLINGTON. THINGS IN THE NORTHERN
HEMISPHERE ARE LOOKING A LITTLE DICEY THESE DAYS AND I WAS
HOPING YOU COULD TEACH ME TO BE A KIWI TO FIT IN, IN CASE I NEED
TO HEAD SOUTH IF THINGS GO SOUTH. AS AN AMERICAN, I LIKE FOOD SO
LET’S PUT NEFERG MY MOUTH. WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?>>IT’S A WHITE BREAD-BASED
DISH.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>PAY PUT IN THERE A THING WE
CALL TIN SPAGHETTI.>>Stephen: TIN SPAGHETTI? SO THIS IS SPA GET NEA CAN?>>IT’S REALLY GOOD.>>Stephen: IS THIS THE RESULT
OF SOME SORT OF WORLD WAR II SURPLUS SPAGHETTI?>>NO, IT’S LIKE ITALIAN FOOD.>>Stephen: THAT YOU HAD TO DO
SOMETHING TO GET RID OF.>>IT’S AN ITALIAN-NEW ZEALAND
TREATY.>>Stephen: SO YOUR GREATEST
CHEFS ARE JUST AS SKILLED AS MY COLLEGE SOPHOMORE ROOMMATE. THIS LOOKS LIKE A POP-TART
FILLED WITH SADNESS. THIS IS–
>>NO, NO, NO.>>Stephen: OKAY.>>THIS IS A CLASSIC SAUSAGE
SIZZLE OPPORTUNITY.>>Stephen: AGAIN, WHITE
BREAD.>>UH-HUH.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE NOT
ACHIEVED BUN TECHNOL.>>WE DON’T DO BUNS, NO. DO YOU HAVE SAUSAGE SIZZLES?>>Stephen: WHEN I WAS
YOUNGER, I NEEDED THE MONEY.( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS WHAT?>>THIS IS VEGIMITE, OR MARMITE
ON TOAST.>>THIS IS ANOTHER WHITE
BREAD-BASED NEW ZEALAND CLASSIC.>>I JUST HAVE TO LICK IS
BECAUSE I’M GLUTEN FREE. YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE’S GLUTEN IN
IT.>>Stephen: THERE’S GLUTEN IN
MARMITE. I SHOULDN’T HAVE IT THEN. I MIGHT BE GLUTEN INTOLERANT.>>YOU’LL BE ALL RIGHT.>>Stephen: I’LL ASK MY
ASSISTANT. I CAN EAT GLUTEN?>>IT’S SWEET AS, YOU’LL LIKE
IT.>>Stephen: WHAT.>>WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY
ASS?>>IT’S VERY SWEET.>>Stephen: THANK YOU. OKAY, HERE WE GO.( LAUGHTER ).>>GREAT, RIGHT?>>WHAT DO YOU THINK?>>GOOD MAN.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: THAT’S GOOD. LET’S TALK SLANG. HOW DO YOU SAY “YES?”
>>”YES.”>>Stephen: OKAY, HOW DO YOU
SAY “NO?”>>YOU CAN SIMPLY SAY NO, BUT
YOU MORE COMMONLY SAY YEAH, NA. FOR EXAMPLE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MORE MARMITE ON TOAST, STEPHEN?>>Stephen: YEAH, NO.( APPLAUSE )
>>THE OTHER TRICK TO SOUNDING LIKE A KIWI IS NOT MOVING YOUR
MOUTH TOO MUCH.>>A BIT LIKE A SOUTHERN DRAWL. IT’S MUCH EASIER FOR KIWI ACTORS
AND ACTORS TO DO A SOUTHERN ACCENT.>>Stephen: BOY IT’S A HOT DAY
I’M SO THIRSTY.>>BOY, IT’S A HOT DAY, I’M SO
THIRSTY.>>BOY, IT’S A HOT DAY– WHAT’S
THAT?>>Stephen: YOU’RE A SMOKER IS
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, WHICH IS PRETTY GOOD FOR THE SOUND.>>THAT’S NOT A REGION. THAT’S NOT A REGION. THAT’S NOT A REGION SPECIFIC.>>Stephen: KIND OF.>>SHOULD WE SHOW YOU SOME OF
WELLINGTON?>>Stephen: THAT WOULD BE
GREAT.>>I’LL JUST TAKE THAT. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: HOW ARE WE GETTING AROUND TOWN?>>THIS IS JUST YOU KNOW, A
CROCODILE BIKE.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT.>>THE USUAL.>>Stephen: ARE THERE
CROCODILES IN NEW ZEALAND?>>NO, THIS IS THE ONLY
CROCODILE YOU’LL FIND.>>Stephen: HOW MUCH OF YOUR
NATIONAL ECONOMY IS BASED ON WHIMSY?( LAUGHTER )
ARE YOU– ARE YOU PROUD OF YOUR COUNTRY HERE?>>OH, YEAH. LOVE IT. LOVE IT.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: I MISS THAT
FEELING.>>IT’S BEAUTIFUL.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, YEAH. HELLO. NICE TO SEE YOU. WOULD YOU LIKE A RIDE?>>I LIKE WALKING.>>Stephen: OKAY. WOW, WOW. “I LIKE WALKING!”
THAT WAS– THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF JUDGMENT IN THAT.>>YEAH.>>Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHO
THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE?>>AH, YES.>>Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHO
THEY ARE?>>AH, YES.>>Stephen: AND THIS IS YOUR
REACTION?>>AH, YES.>>Stephen: I THINK I WOULD
LIKE TO BE FAMOUS DOWN HERE. THIS IS NICE. THIS IS ALMOST LIKE NOT BEING
FAMOUS.>>YES.>>IT’S VERY SIMILAR.>>MIGHT AS WELL NOT BE HERE,
MAN. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: I WANT TO TRY TO HIT THIS HILL.>>GET SOME PEDE UP GUYS, COME
ON! LOOK OUT, REDHEAD! WOOO!>>Stephen: HEAVY ON THAT
BREAK. ( BLEEP ).>>OH, YEAH, NAILED IT, NAILED
IT. IT’S LIKE BUNGEE JUMPING.>>Stephen: IS IT TRUE
EVERYBODY GETS HEALTH INSURANCE HERE?>>NO, NO, YOU DON’T NEED
INSURANCE.>>YOU JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL
AND THEY’LL FIX YOU.>>Stephen: THEY’LL FIX YOU.>>EVEN IF YOU WALK IN THEY’LL
TAKE CARE OF YOU.>>Stephen: AS A TOURIST.>>AS A TOURIST YOU GET FREE
HEALTH CARE.>>Stephen: I WAS THINKING
WHEN I WAS DOWN HERE INJURING MY FACE A LITTLE BIT, JUST GET
INJURED RIGHT HERE. AND I’LL GO BACK TO THE STATES
AND THEY’LL GO, “YOU LOOK SO RESTED.” “NEW ZEALAND DOES THAT.” FREE HEALTH CARE, I LIKE THAT. WHEN YOU SAY YEAH, NAH. HOW MANY OF THOSE CAN YOU STRING
TOGETHER?>>MAYBE IT’S TWO. YOU GO YEAH, NAH. YEAH. NA.>>ONE MORE FINAL.>>AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE OH, YOU
TOSSER.>>Stephen: THE AGREE OF
DIFFICULTY ON THAT– WHAT’S A TOSSER? WHAT’S A TOSSER?>>LET’S PRETEND I DIDN’T SAY
THAT.>>Stephen: WHAT’S A TOSSER.>>WE HAVE TO GO.>>A TOSS IS A WANKER.>>Stephen: AND WHAT SAY
WANKER?>>LIKE–
>>WELL MY MOTHER EXPLAINED IT ME THUS. SHE SAID IT’S WHEN SOMEONE RUBS
THEIR PENIS UNTIL IT GOES COWY-WOWIE.>>Stephen: THIS IS A WANKER.>>TOSSER —
>>Stephen: TOSSER IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE IT REALLY PAINTS A
PICTURE, SO TO SPEAK. LIKE A JACKSON POLLOCK.>>OH, MY GOD!>>Stephen: NONE OF THIS– CBS
WILL LET US DO ALL OF THIS, RIGHT? ♪ ♪ ♪
ARE PEOPLE FRIENDLY AROUND HERE?>>OH, SUPER FRIENDLY!>>Stephen: IS IT EASY TO MEET
PEOPLE?>>LET’S SEE.>>Stephen: SO WHERE ARE YOU
GUYS FROM?>>JUST LOCAL, YEAH.>>Stephen: WHAT– WHAT DO I
NEED TO KNOW TO BE A KIWI? JUST TELL MEET THING THAT
ESSENTIALLY I HAVE TO KNOW IF I’M GOING TO PASS.>>OH, GEEZ, YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW
HOW TO DO A HONGY.>>Stephen: WHAT’S A HONING?>>HONGY IS —
>>Stephen: IS THAT THE SAUSAGE ON THE BREAD.>>GIVE HIM A HONING.>>WHEN YOU PRESS THE BRIDGE OF
YOUR NOSE UP AGAINST–>>GIVE HIM A HOMEY, GO ON.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: IN SOME COUNTRIES WE’RE NOW A COMMON LAW COUPLE.( LAUGHTER ).>>SEE THE BIG HAND ON TOP OF
THE BUILDING? THAT’S THE– IT’S THE BIG HAND
UPSIDE DOWN. IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S GIVING THE
FINGER.>>Stephen: “COSMOPOLITAN”
MAGAZINE SAYS THAT’S THE ONE MOVE THAT WILL DRIVE YOUR MAN
WILD.( LAUGHTER )
I’M IN. I WANT TO BE A I CAN WE. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO?>>GOT TO CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES. COME WITH UP.>>Stephen: I CAN’T WEAR THIS? THIS IS ALL I WEAR. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: YEAH. ♪ ♪ ♪
>>Stephen: YEAH.( APPLAUSE )
>>LOOKING GOOD. LOOKING GOOD.>>Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK? I WATCHED A BUNCH OF SAM NEAL
MOVIES, WATCHED ALL THE “JURASSIC PARKS.”>>IT’S UNCANNY. I’M SO SURPRISE GLD VERY NICE. HI. I’M NOT ACTUALLY FROM HERE, BUT
I DON’T WANT TO CONFUSE ANYBODY.>>YOU LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
HERE.>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. I LOTIONED MY LEGS.>>THE BOTTOM HALF IS PRETTY
ACCURATE. UP TO ABOUT HERE YOU LOOK LIKE A
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.>>Stephen: SO A FIGURE OF
AUTHORITY. SO A FIGURE OF AUTHORITY.>>YES.>>THERE’S SOMETHING UNCANNY
ABOUT IT, LIKE, IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE LOOKING AT YOU.>>Stephen: WHY IS AN AMERICAN
ACCENT COMING OUT OF THIS PURE KIWI BODY RIGHT NOW?>>I CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM.>>Stephen: FIGHT IT. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL,
LUCY. LET’S GET A DRINK.>>CHEERS.>>CHEERDZ.>>CHEERS.>>Stephen: TO NEW ZEALAND.>>TO NEW ZEALANDERS LIKE US.>>WHAT DO WE SAY IN NEW ZEALAND
WHEN WE TOAST? WHAT DO WE SAY?>>JUST “CHEERS.”>>Stephen: CHEERS?>>YEAH, YEAH.>>Stephen: FELLOW, KIWIS IF I
COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR JUST A MOMENT. I’VE RECENTLY BEEN INDUCTED INTO
YOUR LOVELY NATION AS YOU CAN TELL BY MY NATIVE GARB. WOULD YOU NINE ME NOTICE NOU IN
A ROUSING CHORUS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL ANTHEM.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: PLAY BALL! BY WHICH I MEAN RUGBY. THANK YOU, BRET. THANK YOU, LUCY. TOMORROW NIGHT, I LEARN HOW TO
PLAY RUGBY WITH THE NEW ZEALAND ALL BLACKS. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HELENA
BONHAM CARTER! CHEERS!

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